September 10, 1949

It is a sad day today as I cannot really hide it from my family any longer. My stomach is too big to hide now. I fear telling them what has happened both because of their reaction and what the boys would do.

The boys have taken me in. Since I was living with a friend of the family they were very happy I was able to move out on my own and take on my own responsibilities

Little did they know what responsibilities I really had. I was scared but I also realized that the boys would take care of me. I held a secret that was well documented and would be released if anything happened to me. I was in good hands.

June 20, 1949

The pain I felt this day was very strong. I knew when I awoke that morning that something would happen to me to hurt me but I had no idea what or whom would hurt me.

I was prepared, but not for this. I was late for school so I had to go to the office for a note from the principal then head to class. On the way to class from the principal’s office I ran into one of the seniors. He had talked to me over the past couple months and I thought I trusted him. He offered me a cigarette to smoke with him in the boy’s washroom.

Once he got me inside he handed it to me and lit it for me. The cigarette tasted differently but he told me it was a different brand. I started to feel a little dizzy and I seemed to have lost my voice. It was then that everything began. I turned around to look at the exit door but it was blocked by 3 boys. I felt strongly that something bad was about to happen. In fact I felt it when he offered the cigarette but I ignored the feelings. They told me to co-operate and they would take care of me. I knew they were stronger than me so I gave in.

Now it is possible that I am pregnant by one of the 4 of them although I am not sure which one. They all had their chance inside me. I told nobody about it. Once I start showing they will take me in and take care of me as long as they get their chances inside me again. I guess I am an entertainer now just like my mom.

I should have listened to my instinct and not gone in there. I guess I am just as foolish as my friends who I warn and they don't listen

An Olive Branch From Mars Brings Peace To Earth

I had the strangest dream last night. I was lying in bed when my ceiling disappeared. I started floating up. A lady in white floated over to join me. "Do not be afraid", she said, "I will show you what will happen before the New Year Chimes.

She took my hand and showed me a red planet. "Genecide on a microscopic level was taking place here but it was unintentional", the lady said in an echoed voice. An olive branch floated towards me from the red planet. "They forgive us and will reveal themselves to us before the dawn of 2010", the lady said. "Life on mars by the end of the year?" I asked. "Yes and it will bring peace to the world", the lady said. I floated back down to my bed and awoke. In my hand was a paper that read "An Olive Branch from Mars will bring peace to Earth."

My gift makes me both powerful and powerless all at once.

I am starting to appreciate more my gift now that I see what my grandmother went through.
It is tough knowing things will happen but be powerless stop them. This entry brings that all home for me.

February 10, 1945 – My Fifteenth Birthday

Today is my fifteenth birthday; I was out riding my bike with my friends.
They all wanted to go up the escarpment but I felt something was wrong. I begged
them not to go either but they insisted. They made fun of me thinking I was a
chicken so I went home crying. They can be so mean sometimes.

I had my
dream again today. It was about the same awful thing that happened to me when I
was 11. The day my mom was taken from me. My dad consoled me but only until he
was taken too. I don’t like to remember that time. Everyone blames me but it was
not my fault. I told them I didn’t do anything but they said that was the
problem, maybe I should have done something to help them.

February 11, 1945

My friends trust me again. They said they were sorry they didn’t listen to me. It seems I was right something did happen. Tommy was riding slightly ahead of the group. A car was coming down the escarpment as they were going up. It lost control and hit Tommy and he went off the cliff with the car. He was taken to hospital but he didn’t make it. I felt bad that I didn’t insist more that they not go. They all said they would trust my instinct from now on.

I hate being right. I hate having this foresight. Its frustrating because you know what is going to happen but you can't do anything about it. You are helpless. Nobody listens to you. I was helpless back when my mom was taken. My voice was not there. I tried to yell but nothing came out. I failed my mom back then because I did not yell. I am not going to make that mistake again. I am always going to tell people my dreams and feelings.

July 4, 1942

The further I read through my grandmother's journal, the more I see that my small problems dealing with the gift are nothing compared to what she went through.

Dad came home today with a couple of broken ribs and a bloody nose. He told
me to hide with my brother so I did. “You must take care of him” he insisted, “I
will be gone soon I cannot fight it”

They busted in and threw him to the floor. “Your daughter or your
life”, they told him. He spit on them and told them to take his life because
they were not touching his daughter. They threw him to the floor again face
first and dragged him out by his feet. "Your daughter is special. She has the
gift. We will find her they promised".

When the coast was clear I ran for it over to my aunts and told her
what happened. My cousin looked at me and cried. He was so sorry for what he had
done. He told someone at school about my dream and the baby. He promised to be
my protector from now on. I find it hard to talk to him now because of what
happened.

I hope you are benefiting from these entries as much as I am. It feels so good to get it all out in the open.

June 14, 1942

Last night I went out with a few friends and we shared some fond memories of my friend's sister. Afterwards I went home feeling a little down. It made me think of the loss of my grandmother as well. I brought out the journal and started to read. I so wanted to skip past this entry but I promised myself I would work through it chronologically.

Dad came home today sad and with a little baby boy in is arms. There is good
news and bad news. Good news is this is your brother. You need to help me take
care of him.

I started to tear up. I could already guess the bad news was mom
was dead. But as dad revealed it I was surprised. They did not kill her, she died
giving birth. The men felt bad so they let dad keep my brother.

It is hard to describe how I am feeling now because I feel so many emotions all at once. I
feel guilt that I caused this because I did not scream. I feel joy because I now have a brother. I feel sad because mom will never come home.

My cousin looked over at me and said, "You are a prophet". My dad yelled at him, "You are never to tell anyone this or her life will be in danger. They are looking for
people with the gift.

Dad is taking things very hard. I don't know what to do. I took the baby from him and cuddled him. My own brother. God has taken away my mom but given me a brother.

I guess the take away for me is that sometimes death brings life, sometimes bad things bring out good. It may not be initially apparent but its true. The things each of us do in our lifetime have such a big impact on everyone else. This is how we go on forever.

Sept 11, 1941 - My Great Grandmother was now Found

I was brave today and I decided to look at another entry. I feel a little better knowing now that my great grandmother has been found.

Another month passed and dad came home excited he found where she is. She is
alive, she is an “entertainer” dad said in a sarcastic voice, but you have to do
what you have to do to stay alive.

I was not sure what he meant. I had
visions of her being an actress or a singer but my cousin whispered to me what
it meant and I cringed. I started to cry. Dad noticed and put his arm around us
and told us that he still loved mom even though she had to do those things. The
important thing is that she is alive and after this is all over we will see her
again.

Last night I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that I was in a crowded
street and I saw a woman cry out, she fell to the ground in great pain. People
ran to her and crowded around her. Then all the sudden the crowd separated and
someone picked up a baby boy. "This is your brother", they said. I looked over
and saw that it was my mom on the ground and she smiled at me. Then I awoke.

I still feel guilty, I did not scream and now mom is an "entertainer". I hope
this will end soon so mom can come back home to us.

I got the journal back. I just read an entry from August 10, 1941

Thanks to Cherry for returning my journal to me. I decided last night that I would stop jumping around to various entries and start at the beginning. The first entry was for July 5, 1941. I remember that entry well and I found it very disturbing. I will skip it but if you want to read it you can follow this link to it: http://idajournal.blogspot.com/2008/01/july-5-1941.html


The next entry is for August 10, 1941:

August 10, 1941

It’s been a month now and dad is still looking for mom. We pray every night that she will return but she doesn’t.

My dad is in a little better spirits today. There is a glimmer of hope in his eyes. At first
I didn't know why but then he sat me down and told me. He told me he is
hopeful, he found where they took her and that others are taken there as an
intermediary, not to be killed but as laborers. She had been transferred on when
he got there but now he has some hope she was still alive. He is going to
continue looking for her.

I miss my mom so much. I still feel guilty that I
did not scream. If only I had screamed, someone would have heard me and she
would already be home.

This entry makes me feel a lot better than I felt after reading the first entry. There is some hope that she will be found. I want to read more but I think I should just take my time and cherish each entry.