July 4, 1942

The further I read through my grandmother's journal, the more I see that my small problems dealing with the gift are nothing compared to what she went through.

Dad came home today with a couple of broken ribs and a bloody nose. He told
me to hide with my brother so I did. “You must take care of him” he insisted, “I
will be gone soon I cannot fight it”

They busted in and threw him to the floor. “Your daughter or your
life”, they told him. He spit on them and told them to take his life because
they were not touching his daughter. They threw him to the floor again face
first and dragged him out by his feet. "Your daughter is special. She has the
gift. We will find her they promised".

When the coast was clear I ran for it over to my aunts and told her
what happened. My cousin looked at me and cried. He was so sorry for what he had
done. He told someone at school about my dream and the baby. He promised to be
my protector from now on. I find it hard to talk to him now because of what
happened.

I hope you are benefiting from these entries as much as I am. It feels so good to get it all out in the open.

June 14, 1942

Last night I went out with a few friends and we shared some fond memories of my friend's sister. Afterwards I went home feeling a little down. It made me think of the loss of my grandmother as well. I brought out the journal and started to read. I so wanted to skip past this entry but I promised myself I would work through it chronologically.

Dad came home today sad and with a little baby boy in is arms. There is good
news and bad news. Good news is this is your brother. You need to help me take
care of him.

I started to tear up. I could already guess the bad news was mom
was dead. But as dad revealed it I was surprised. They did not kill her, she died
giving birth. The men felt bad so they let dad keep my brother.

It is hard to describe how I am feeling now because I feel so many emotions all at once. I
feel guilt that I caused this because I did not scream. I feel joy because I now have a brother. I feel sad because mom will never come home.

My cousin looked over at me and said, "You are a prophet". My dad yelled at him, "You are never to tell anyone this or her life will be in danger. They are looking for
people with the gift.

Dad is taking things very hard. I don't know what to do. I took the baby from him and cuddled him. My own brother. God has taken away my mom but given me a brother.

I guess the take away for me is that sometimes death brings life, sometimes bad things bring out good. It may not be initially apparent but its true. The things each of us do in our lifetime have such a big impact on everyone else. This is how we go on forever.

Sept 11, 1941 - My Great Grandmother was now Found

I was brave today and I decided to look at another entry. I feel a little better knowing now that my great grandmother has been found.

Another month passed and dad came home excited he found where she is. She is
alive, she is an “entertainer” dad said in a sarcastic voice, but you have to do
what you have to do to stay alive.

I was not sure what he meant. I had
visions of her being an actress or a singer but my cousin whispered to me what
it meant and I cringed. I started to cry. Dad noticed and put his arm around us
and told us that he still loved mom even though she had to do those things. The
important thing is that she is alive and after this is all over we will see her
again.

Last night I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that I was in a crowded
street and I saw a woman cry out, she fell to the ground in great pain. People
ran to her and crowded around her. Then all the sudden the crowd separated and
someone picked up a baby boy. "This is your brother", they said. I looked over
and saw that it was my mom on the ground and she smiled at me. Then I awoke.

I still feel guilty, I did not scream and now mom is an "entertainer". I hope
this will end soon so mom can come back home to us.

I got the journal back. I just read an entry from August 10, 1941

Thanks to Cherry for returning my journal to me. I decided last night that I would stop jumping around to various entries and start at the beginning. The first entry was for July 5, 1941. I remember that entry well and I found it very disturbing. I will skip it but if you want to read it you can follow this link to it: http://idajournal.blogspot.com/2008/01/july-5-1941.html


The next entry is for August 10, 1941:

August 10, 1941

It’s been a month now and dad is still looking for mom. We pray every night that she will return but she doesn’t.

My dad is in a little better spirits today. There is a glimmer of hope in his eyes. At first
I didn't know why but then he sat me down and told me. He told me he is
hopeful, he found where they took her and that others are taken there as an
intermediary, not to be killed but as laborers. She had been transferred on when
he got there but now he has some hope she was still alive. He is going to
continue looking for her.

I miss my mom so much. I still feel guilty that I
did not scream. If only I had screamed, someone would have heard me and she
would already be home.

This entry makes me feel a lot better than I felt after reading the first entry. There is some hope that she will be found. I want to read more but I think I should just take my time and cherish each entry.

December 8, 2008 - 28th Anniversary of John Lennon's Death

It is 7:10 am and I am sitting on the train as I do every morning reading my free newspapers and sipping on my morning coffee. As I flip through I reach a small article on one of the inner pages. It talks about today being the 28th anniversary of John Lennon's death. I started to cry. My grandmother Ida loved him. I looked out the window as the train started to move and snow started falling upon the already white ground below. I wish I had not lost her journal. I really miss her. She was the only one who understood my gift.

I turned back to my paper and there was a folded note and hand written on the front said Susan. I opened it.

Dear Susan, I really miss you too. You have a wonderful gift.
Don't let my memory drag you down or make you fearful of using it. I
have
given you another entry from my journal. Love Ida

I looked around at the passengers. "Was grandma still alive and on the train", I thought. I could not see her. I gave up my seat and wandered through from car to car but I could not find her. "Whomever stole my journal must be playing this trick on me", I thought. I sat on the steps and we were delayed due to congestion at Union. I opened the entry.

I wept a lot today. He was the closest thing to family I had. I listened
to him sing to me and it helped me deal with the losses I had. I could escape
into strawberry fields, or a yellow submarine. I watched his tv specials every
chance I got and he has a permanent seat at my table for all the holidays.

I felt the same way about my grandmother too. She was the only one really supportive of me. I miss her a lot. I hope that whomever has my journal that they will please return it to me. I will not question why you took it or even if it was you that took it. I just want it back please.

Heart Songs - They never feel wrong

During my walk up Yonge Street from Union to Bloor, I have been listening to my iPod a lot, especially the new Weezer album. Their new track, "Heart Songs" got me thinking, what are my heart songs and why do I feel that way about them? I thought I would start by listing my heart songs and hopefully my friends will continue by listing theirs and the reasons why they never feel wrong to them.

1) SONG: Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song
REASON: I recognize that initial chord pattern every time and I feel good. Gives me fond
memories if Brian singing it to me. This song is the perfect breakup song, "You
lied, goodbye".
2) SONG: Cat Power -Sea of Love
REASON: The Honeydrippers were yummy but the cat power version with its ambience gets
me dripping every time.

3) SONG: Nine Inch Nails - Closer
REASON: It reminds me of fond memories I had with Moddy Blaze screaming it at the top of
our lungs.

4) SONG: Heart - Burracuda
REASON: Who can resist that chord pattern

5) SONG: Pearl Jam - Yellow Ledbetter
REASON: This song is my life now. On the front porch they are waiting. They won't come in
as I have the house protected but they wait for the moment they can get me.

6) SONG: Tragically Hip - New Orleans (Killer Whale Tank Version)
REASON: How would it be summer without the Hip? A friend of mine cleaned the tanks at an
aquarium so we used to love playing it to him

7) SONG: Foo Fighters - Let it Die
REASON: My friend's daughter. I was in the car with them and when it came off they quickly
changed it. I told them it was a good song. They told me that they knew it was but
that I didn't understand. At that moment their 4 year old started belting out the
chorus "Why don't you go and let it die". After a few times she starts screaming it
which is when they tell her she does not have to scream it. She tells them that the
singer does at the end. She find him funny.

8) SONG: Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
REASON: Memories of riding around in the back of a car blasting it. Hair shaking.

9) SONG: Weezer - Heart song
REASON: Brings back memories of my heart songs - they never feel wrong.

10) SONG: Spirit of the West - Home for a Rest
REASON: I can't think of a party I have been to that this song is not heard. If the dj does
not have it someone will be drunk enough to perform it.

I hope you will share your heart songs with me by commenting on this blogpost. I hope I will find my grandmother's journal soon. I can't believe someone would take it away from me.

The Man From Nunavut Gives Me A Vision

This actually happened on April 18 but I was so shocked by it that I am finally getting to writing it down now.

It was the end of the day and about time. The warm weather maked it a perfect time for a drink on the patio. Sitting and relaxing, sipping a cold drink on the patio with friends. My eyes looked up at the man sitting looking in wonder at the closeness of the buildings. A small church being embraced on either side by an office tower and a highrise condo. “Lots of people but so alone”, the man said. He explained that he was in town to see his mom who is in the hospital. I could sense that the man was upset so I reaches out my hand to console him. There is a shimmer of light off the edge of the building across the street. It blinded me for a moment and then faded. All was white as far as she cound see. I turned around and noticed a small town off in the distance that I didn't notice her first look at the surroundings. I walked towards it as if pulled by the heat of the fire in the center of the town. I walked closer to it to keep warm. The light guided me to the young girl sitting by the fire. I smiled at her. The young girl smiles back. I noticed a book in her hand. “What are you reading?” I asked her. “Its about the future”, the young girl said. “May I see the book?” I asked. The girl pulled the book away so I could not reach it. When I did, I noticed the word Pascha on the cover. “What do you know about Pascha?”, I asked. “I know that April 13, 2036 is a very important date not because its her birthday”, the young girl said. I looked at her odd, I never associated the two before. That is why Pascha is so sad and does not want to celebrate her birthday. “Life is 10% what happens and 90% how you respond to it”, the young girl said. I looked over at the fire as a spark flew up. I followed it with my eyes as it popped. The man was in front of me again. He released my hand and turned to leave. It was then I noticed the book. Pascha's name was on the cover. I wanted to call to him to stop but before I could he was across at the lights and was gone. I sat for a moment on a bench to catch hold of myself then continued down the street to meet my friends for a drink.

If you ever come across this book let me know. I think it is the key to me finding out what my dreams and visions really mean. I still cannot find my grandmother's journal. I have looked everywhere with no luck. If you find either I would be very greatful.